It’s a shame, really, when you think about the potential of this movie. It had a fantastically tantalizing trailer, a world-renowned martial arts choreographer in Xin Xin Xiong, and Tim Roth getting to sneer as an utterly evil villain without ape makeup. It’s a shame because Alexander Dumas’ classic novel The Three Musketeers, the tale of the King of France’s guardians, Athos, Porthos, Arimis, and the philandering d’Artagnan, deserves so much better. What it’s received from the film world has been mostly a bunch of pseudo-comic fantasy movies that treat Dumas’ political and occasionally dark and inflammatory commentary as nothing more than a throwaway side plot and an excuse for swashbuckling swordplay. I suppose it’s not their fault that the legend of the Three Musketeers has outpaced their origins (as most legends seem to), but I do feel it’s time that someone set the record straight with an accurate portrayal of Dumas’ work. Sadly, after this movie I have a feeling that we won’t be seeing another Musketeer on the big screen for a long time.
I’ve always viewed the story of The Three Musketeers, especially the character of d’Artagnan, as a sort of pre-cursor to the Batman comics and movies that deal with the darker side of vengeance, just or unjust. In this version, which focuses almost solely on d’Artagnan, played with lackluster zeal by Justin Chambers, revenge is the main motivation, but it never really gets off the ground. A young d’Artagnan, taken in by the kindly Planchet (Jean-Pierre Castaldi) after having seen his parents slain over tax money and loyalties by the blackhearted Febre (Tim Roth, who is at his best here), whom he permanently scars, vows to become a Musketeer and enact revenge upon Febre. To do so, he must journey to Paris where he becomes involved in a plot by Cardinal Richelieu to create discord in France and oust Louis XIII.
While trying to stop this plot, d’Artagnan meets up with the other Musketeers, finds himself in love with a chambermaid named Constance, played by Mena “I Should Be Making Better Movies Than This” Suvari, and transports the still- beautiful Catherine Deneuve’s strong-willed Queen to hostile territories and, of course, exorcises his demons. Dumas mentions nothing of this in the novel.
“Fine”, you say. “I never knew the novel to begin with. I’m going for the action scenes.” Not a bad choice then. Xin Xin Xiong’s choreography is quite spectacular at times, lending quite a bit of bad-ass to Chambers’ weak d”Artagnan. There are ballet-like barfights, superhuman leaps from horse to horse, an amazing swordfight that takes place while climbing up the side of a tower, and the inevitable, albeit incredible, showdown between d’Artagnan and Febre. The action in this movie feels right, and Xiong’s blend of Eastern and Western fighting styles is refreshing and bristling to watch. This almost made up for the rest of the film. Almost.
Before we move on, let’s stop for a second and consider who is at the helm of this movie. Director Peter Hyams’ resume includes End Of Days, that horrible Shwarzenegger apocalypse flick, Timecop, a Van Damme movie (’nuff said) and 2010, the sequel to 2001:A Space Odyssey that many critics felt destroyed the idea of the franchise. So he’s got that going for him. On the other side of the coin, our screenwriter, Gene Quintano, can proudly list Police Academy 3 & 4 to his achievements.
So is it any surprise that we have insurmountable plot holes at every turn? Here’s a couple of examples: Febre, a swordsman who can kill d’Artagnan’s Musketeer father in one stroke and a man who threatens children’s lives at every turn, doesn’t kill d’Artagnan after he permanently blinds him in one eye – he only kicks him; during a jail break, the guards stop and quit within a foot of the escaping carriage; while chasing d’Artagnan, Febre quits because of the smoke from a fire on a bridge. There are many, many more. Too many to list.
Instead of an adaptation of Dumas’ dark and edgy novel, we get a loose interpretation of his plot that turns into every witless action movie cliché of the past twenty years. Let’s just put it this way – Timecop was less disappointing. But then again, hasn’t disappointment become part of the Musketeer legend, too?
+ marc ruppel
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