I spent two painstaking hours plopped in front of that big white screen watching The Bachelor, yet another cheesy love story. Now, I love movies. In fact, the thought of sitting in that crowded theater with fellow moviegoers in anticipation of the world I’m about to be shown is one of my most enjoyable pastimes. But when I’m stuck between chatty-patty adolescents who tend to exaggerate every emotion they believe they are experiencing, who get so wrapped up in the gushy warm fuzzies of a false-hope flick, it’s more than enough to make me want to vomit!
With a blank gaze, I stared off into space trying to figure out what in the hell I was doing at this particular show. I mean, you may think of me as the world’s biggest cynic, but I do enjoy a great love story, as long as it maintains some semblance of reality, no matter how minute it may be. What do you think about thousands of women decked out in full bridal attire, chasing one fairly handsome man throughout the busy streets of San Francisco? Um, yeah, I thought so.
Chris O’Donnell (Scent of a Woman) plays Jimmie Shanks, a man terrified of marriage. Let me just stop right there for a second. This concept in itself is rather difficult to believe since he’s found the ideal partner in Ann (Renee Zellweger), and has remained committed to her for three joyful years. A guy who’s been practicing monogamy that long is afraid of being with one person? I don’t think so. The plot thickens when Jimmie’s Granddad (Peter Ustinov) suddenly passes away. Leaving one hundred million dollars to his only living heir, Granddad puts one hell of a whopper in the conditions of his will: in order to collect this money, young Jimmie must be married by 6:05 p.m. on his thirtieth birthday. What do you know, that only leaves our hero twenty-four hours to get the girl and tie the knot. Oh, and here’s the twist: the faithful girlfriend, Ann, you know the one he’s “in love” with? She’s been hurt by Jimmie and has already turned down the proposal, twice!
I bet you can probably see that The Bachelor doesn’t make my list of top-ten films. I guess it’s really not as bad as I’m making it out to be. There are a few laughs: Peter Ustinov is quite hilarious as the grumpy old Granddad who’s constantly yelling into his mega-phone and picking away at his only relative’s confidence. But he dies before the movie actually starts. As a priest, James Cromwell ( Babe) adds dimension by being the only believable and sane person in the film. But he’s meant to be a bit loose in the brain and doesn’t really ever say much, actually he says practically nothing. Brooke Shields puts in an entertaining cameo performance as the ever so snooty dbutante, Buckley. But again, she’s only in it for a maximum period of ten minutes before she drives off in mad hysteria. And there’s Mariah Carey as another ex, Llana. She only has two lines and they’re not that great, so now we all know why she’s only a singer. That’s it. The Bachelor is definitely not that good.
I guess you could say that this has been my season of discontentment. With such brain-dead flicks as Mickey Blue Eyes, Three to Tango, Runaway Bride, and The Story of Us , I’m chalking The Bachelor up as another fluffy love story worth discarding, right into the toilet.
+ Ashley Adams