I’m pretty sick of Hollywood endings. I know everyone says they wish they could have a Hollywood ending to a situation or to their life, but is that what you really want? Watching the film The Replacements, I couldn’t help but groan in agony as I watched each scene play out before me.
Just take a look at screenwriter Vince McKewin’s writing credits. He’s written such cutesy films as Fly Away Home, Operation Dumbo Drop, and the middle of the road Rush Hour. And to bring football out of the smelly locker room into some tender new place just doesn’t work.
Reading the film’s synopsis tells you enough to let you know it isn’t going to be interesting. The idea goes like this: Shane “Footsteps” Falco, played irritatingly boorishly by Keanu Reeves, was once an All-American quarterback. He lost his pride when he lost the Sugar Bowl in college because he gave up. Now he has to overcome this as he gets a second chance when pro players decide to strike. What’s left is a bunch of misfits, all of which are in similar positions to Falco. They’ve all had their shot but for some odd reason or another couldn’t make it in the big time. So as the pro teams strike, the team owners need players. The misfits are in as the scab replacements. They bring in a retired head coach, Jimmy McGinty (Gene Hackman), back after a troubled history. It’s McGinty who single-handedly chooses the misfit players because he sees some shining light within them.
This script has holes the size of the Lincoln Tunnel. Every little bit of the film screams what is being set up for the ending, so don’t be surprised twenty minutes in that you know exactly how this movie is going to finish. Trust me; it goes exactly where your instincts say it’s going. There are scenes in the film that I won’t mention exactly but I will say they left me scratching my head. Like when one player crosses the picket line and one of the misfits finds himself without a job. Um, excuse me, but has anyone heard of second or third string? If they barely had enough players to start, don’t you think they’d still need the guy on the sidelines in case the other guy got hurt? He wouldn’t be watching the game on tv as his team missed him on the field. This is by far the dumbest thing I’ve seen in a long time. The same effect could have been realized had the player been on the sidelines because this happens for real every weekend in the NFL. But no, they want you to feel the player’s emotion as he is left like yesterday’s garbage. The only emotion I felt was wondering whether they took me for some sort of idiot. And that made me irritated.
Then there are the cheerleaders, made up mostly of strippers who seduce the audience and players. This is really a pathetic ploy, so much that even as a guy I found it unfunny. I mean, could they possibly have strippers be more clich? These girls were as dumb as rocks and as annoying as the day is long. Scene after scene comes with completely unrealistic situations. And yes, I do know it’s a movie, but it’s a movie based on something that could reasonably happen. There are a million questions with ridiculous answers. Need an example? How about the fact that they are playing in Washington DC, and Keanu Reeves lives on a houseboat, scraping barnacles off the bottoms of boats in the harbor for a living. He starts the season with only four games, at the end of which makes them near Thanksgiving. Excuse me, but I know for a fact that the average temperature around the DC area at this time goes from the mid thirties to forties. Yet it’s sure looks a lot like they are a team from Miami. Absurd. Nothing but sunny skies and t-shirts all around.
I could go on and on about what I hated about this movie but I just get more and more frustrated as I think about it. Do they think the audience is so stupid? Are they expecting a bunch of unintelligent dolts to come in and just forgive in exchange for some football action? I hope not. The football action is pathetic and just as unrealistic as the rest. Perhaps they hope Keanu Reeves is such a huge draw that none of this matters. Well, that isn’t going to happen. Keanu was good in The Matrix, but here it’s more like Bill & Ted’s idiot football adventure.
+ charlie craine
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